Parable of a GPS Named Dorothy

Have you ever had one of those moments when you sit down with your child and explain some concept to them using an analogy? I do, *a lot* and often it involves computers or electronics or other kind of technology because that is a topic that my son knows a great deal about and has a great passion for, so he tends to hear me out better.  And, I must admit I'm amazed at how often anything in life can be related to computer hardware, software, and 'other'-ware too.

'Other-ware' - noun,\verb\adjective\pronoun\adverb: 1: my lame attempt of including stuff, otherwise known as things or concepts, that are related to computers in one way, shape, form, or another, but I am unable to recall what those actual words might be for the moment.

Now, have you ever had one of those moment with that child and by the time you are finished you have an 'A-Ha' moment realizing, you needed that talk more than your child because you end up walking away understanding more, on a whole new level, than when you started out?

That's me in a nutshell. About a year ago, while I was "sharing" with my son, a quick little flash of a picture popped into my mind that stopped me dead in my tracks, enough so that I felt a persistent nudging that I need to share it.  I posted the experience on my 'other' blog that is all about me, but recently I realized how fitting it would be to re-post it here, under The Good Shepherd Parent, (with some minor changes to the text since it didn't happen 'last week'.

 I don't know if my experience will be of any use to anyone, but my hope is that you will be left better for having read about our... um, my... experience, especially if you have a teen.

We have a GPS thing-a-ma-jig on my husband's work phone. *Yes son, I know it's called an application* We decided since it gives vocal directions, we should give "it" a name. ('it' is a female voice) We named her Dorothy. Seeing as we lived in Kansas at the time, the name was quite fitting.

Last year we were in Topeka for my husbands Graduation. We were very happy to have Dorothy with us since we don't go to Topeka often. We find she is very patient with us and if we miss a turn or take a slightly different route because of traffic or road work, or even if decide to go take pictures by the waterfall, she reconfigures a new route based on the changes of our driving relative to our final destination.

So far, so good. I was relating to my son that this is what my Husband and I try to do with him in his growing up, we try to make adjustments as he grows to help guide him to where he wants to be.

Then comes the 'A-Ha' moment... I imagined us as I described above, and what would happen if after we took a detour to go take pictures by a fountain on the campus, or missed a road there, or any number of other things, what if Dorothy got fed up with re-configuring those new routes and just took over the steering controls of the car? Can you imagine how freaked out you would be if that happened to you? The first thing you would probably do is STOP!, instinctively slamming on the breaks.

A fitting comic for my GPS take-over analogy...

Finding that there are no steering options after repeated efforts, and not being able to disable Dorothy, you might get on the phone and try to work with someone who programed the application so you could get back the control of the vehicle. By this point, not only would I probably be incredibly frustrated by this situation, but time is passing... I have things I want to do, places I want or need to go, so the longer this goes on, the higher goes my stress level, and the greater my stress, the more volatile I will probably become...

~Quick side note: I usually compare stress that I feel I have no control over to a pressure cooker with the heat being turned up and the vent pipe is blocked.  If the heat doesn't come down (aka: the problem gets solved), or if the cooker is not removed from the stove, (temporarily removed from the situation), or the vent doesn't get unblocked (given additional help to deal with the problem), an explosion is imminent, and if there are people close by, odds are that someone will get hurt.

So, now you have this stress I have described. Add to it the individual you want help from is telling you that nothing can be done, it's just the way it is, you don't have a choice in the matter, whatever. They may sound apologetic, apathetic, or angry which would further affect you. How would you feel and what would you do?

Honestly, I am not one to give someone else a piece of my mind *I need all of it for myself thank you very much* but, it is easy to imagine feeling like I don't have any options left, I can't go where I want/need to and I probably would feel like I don't have anything to lose anyway, it's as bad as it can get, so I can actually see myself giving the person who is telling me to 'deal with it' a piece of my mind and have a nice little temper tantrum. *I believe that is the imminent explosion* Sure I feel terrible emotionally/spiritually for losing it, but I am pretty confidant *unfortunately and embarrassingly based on personal experience* that I would feel much better physically. At least now I can THINK because the pressure is back down.

So, how was this an A-Ha! moment for me? Because we adults do this with our children ALL THE TIME. (Did I emphasize that enough??) My husband and I do it all the time! I see parents, good friends, do it all the time!  I see complete strangers do it to their children.... All The Time!

I forget and lose sight that children are given the gift of agency just like me by a loving and patient Heavenly Father. I'm not saying that children have their way whenever they want it, especially in those younger years. Compare it to learning to drive *again the the analogies*, you don't have complete control of the Driver's Ed car, but as the instructor you can stop the car when there is danger, and redirect the student. But eventually, the student(s) transition from learning and practicing to having a license to drive on their own.

Another fitting comic... Gotta love Sarge.

Now that there is a new perspective of why all the yelling, name calling, arguing, and on and on, and on... Is it any wonder? Think of it in a new light, like someone honking the horn to get your attention. Then evaluate if "Dorothy" has *or is attempting to* commandeer the steering controls. If that is indeed the case, remember:

  There's no place like home... There's no place like home... There's no place like home.

No, if you click your heals three times you won't be whisked away to a perfect heavenly life, not even if your shoes are red with pretty sparkles on them.... *oh! Shiny thing!*  But it can be a good reminder that there really is no place like home. Why? Because that is where our Heavenly Father is - and that is where we want to be. That is the whole point of agency and this life, and the atonement of the Savior so we can use the agency we have been given to grow.

Our job is to teach our children how to use agency and guide them as they go so they will grow and learn, not demand them to do what we want by verbal or physical force... even if we see them making wrong turns, stopping to do something unexpected, or making a change to see what they want to see, or anything else. We are hijacking them when we do that, which ironically is the opposite of agency. It is the plan that Satan offered and we all rejected because we knew how important agency was, and Heavenly Father knew that some of our best learning would come from making mistakes.

Heavenly Father doesn't try to take the controls, even if we want him to. But he does offer us a better path, he does invite us to counsel with him, he does encourage us to make our own choices, he does provide us with the tools, wisdom, and help we need to be successful, he does guide us back from scary places of our own doing or hijackings of others that cause us to get lost, and most importantly, he did send his son into the world to light the path by example, showing us the way and make it possible to 'go home' in the first place.

Offer...Invite...Encourage...Provide...Guide...Lead by Example...

Oh, and by the way, if anyone is curious to know how the analogy worked out, when I explained it to my son he absolutely lit up and exclaimed that's exactly how he felt!

I'm glad I finally get it. = )

A Little Bird Taught Me

Nature seems to abound with lessons on good parenting.  I was witness to one of those lessons today as I sat outside on the grass enjoying a beautiful sunny morning.  I was witness the sad truth that never seems to be included with all the good advice we seem to derive from parenting in nature.

 

We have all heard it before, that after the baby birds hatch from their eggs and are nurtured by the mother bird, she eventually knows that it's time for them to learn how to fly, so she pushes them out of the nest and before the bird hits the ground, voila!  It instinctively does what it needs to and and flies.  Or, sometimes falls to the ground, stunned and starts squawking away that the flying lesson for the time has failed.

But today, as the mother bird pushed the baby bird out of the nest, she did not consider the special circumstances of her baby bird.  (Being nature of course she wouldn't, but as humans it is so important that we take advantage of the thinking and reasoning abilities we have been blessed with.)  She did not consider that the height of her nest was at least twice that of a typical nest in a tree, for she had built her nest in the gutter of the roof of the church building.  Nor did she consider that the nest was not surrounded by the softer surface of grass, but was that of a very hard concrete sidewalk.

The consequence of pushing her baby bird out of the nest too soon was fatal.  The bird's neck broke on impact and the mother bird was left distraught that her baby was not responding to her any longer. 

How often do we as parents treat our children the same way as the population in general, giving little thought to their unique circumstances, gift, or challenges?  Most of the time I would think everything will turn out alright, but for children pushed too much, too soon, if we are not paying attention to their unique circumstances, we could be sending them to their destruction; spiritually, mentally, socially, emotionally, or physically.

I'm sad that this little bird plummeted to it's death in front of my very eyes, and yet I'm grateful for the reminder of how imperative it is that we pay heed to the needs and special circumstances of each child.  It could well make or break them, both figuratively and literally.

My Liahona - Gift of the Good Shepherd

I've always loved paintings of the Savior as the Good Shepherd with the flock of sheep, especially if he is holding a lamb.  It was from studying more about parenting and "sparing the rod" spoiling the child, etc. that I have a whole new understanding as to how Jesus Christ truly is our perfect example in all things.

For a long time I've struggled with the concept of how the Lord's example applies to parenting children because there hasn't been a 'literal' example of being married or raising children 'family' style if you know what I mean.  Then a few weeks ago as I was looking for a reference in the scriptures about 'a father who spares the rod hateth his son' after I finished watching a video of Brian Post clarifying that the rod isn't a beating stick, but the staff of the good shepherd, used to guide the sheep, not punish them... Well, he almost has it right... but more on that in a minute.  Regardless, I finally understood, REALLY understood.

I was looking  up passages in the Bible and Book of Mormon using the term 'rod' in them and I thought, the "rod" has been used in the scriptures a lot as "the word of God" or the scriptures, and as I applied that thought, all the passages, save one, fit that perspective BETTER that what I had always thought the rod was supposed to be... basically, a stick.

For instance, if you don't teach your children the gospel and the scriptures... yes, you 'hate' your child... or spoil them... only not spoil in our modern day meaning, rather spoil as in destroy... as in 'the city was spoiled by thieves".  Then I  decided to look up the term "rod" in the Merriam Webster dictionary.  One of the definitions is a club, like a shepherds cudgel.

Hmm... I thought, interesting because it's different than a staff... the staff is used to guide the sheep... what is the club used for?  Immediately it was obvious.  It's certainly not for beating the sheep into submission or as punishment.  Shepherds NEVER beat their flocks, the flocks know and trust the shepherd, that is why they follow him while he leads the way... the club is to protect the sheep from the enemy!  It's to keep them safe!  Ultimately we are all sheep, and the rod is the scriptures provided by a loving Heavenly Father for the purpose of keeping us safe from our enemy, Satan, who would destroy us!

Wow, it makes SO MUCH SENSE now.  Basically, our job is to teach our children how to use agency and guide them as they go so they will grow and learn, not demand them to do what we want by verbal or physical force... that is pushing them, not leading.  Shepherds don't push the sheep... they don't drag the sheep or bribe the sheep... They LOVE the sheep, and they lead the way to safety.  The sheep follow because they know the shepherd will keep them safe and they want to be near the shepherd.

When we see our children making wrong decisions that would lead them astray from the flock, we teach them gospel principles, using the scriptures and the words of Christ, and then let them choose.  When we force our will upon them we become as wolves in sheep's clothing, or worse, cause them to leave the flock because they cannot trust the shepherd to lead them which leaves them vulnerable to the ravenous wolves.


It becomes more and more apparent to me as each day passes how backwards our world really is and how this has caused so many parents, in earnest desire for the welfare of their children to do the very things that drive the sheep even further from the fold, leaving these parent heartbroken and not understanding what went wrong...

I am more and more grateful as each day passes that the Lord placed something in my path for me to stumble over that caused me to stop and have a closer look.  My eyes were opened, I saw the truth of how broken and even damaging my parenting compass was.  The Savior took it and offered in exchange of my broken, useless compass, a true compass.  His compass, my Liahona, is filled with his Light and Love and he has promised that if I will follow his course, though at times the path will be difficult and the journey seem long, I will not be alone in my travels and will find peace and joy unlike any I've ever known.